I have never really liked coffee

The old door knob made of bell metal turned, making a squeaky noise and she knew who it was. She instructed the maid to bring in the unwanted guest to the backyard. The backyard was warm and faintly lit up. There was an old iron stove, a pipe coming out of it at the back. The winter air was chilly and dry, the warm and cozy fireplace gave only a little comfort and so did everything else.

‘Mr. Morris, long time i must say’.

‘Yes Jane very long i agree’.

 ‘So what brings you here today’, inquired Jane in her damp voice. A voice which seems to have lost its fragrance long ago.  

‘It’s you, i wanted to see you, i wanted to see how are you doing’, Morris said.

‘Really... you care? What like now, after all that lost time and lost youth?’ the words escaped from her mouth like grains of sands slipping from a tight fist, carelessly.

‘Yes i do, i don’t know what to say; i know i haven’t been the best husband, my work, my attitude took it all away besides i have always loved you, always’.

Like blooms in the fall, she was a beautiful summer wrapped in a package of innocence and purity and an undefined beauty. Now she was only dark hair and fierce eyes. Honeyed bleedings of shattered sentiments.

‘Yes i know how dearly and fiercely you loved me my love and therefore it took just minutes to leave me in the middle of nowhere, abandoning me like an old building. Also I must remind you I was no less than a shame for you or human garbage you could say’. Jane said.

‘How could you say that, i hate you for saying this...’ he said with slight irritation and anger.

‘Believe me boy i hate you too’, she said winking at him.

‘You are so dramatic!’

‘Oh no I’m not dramatic, I’m rather you could say poetic...’ she said smiling ear to ear.

‘Can’t we stay together again? Just like old times forget the past.  You are in pain; I’m in pain how it is good for anyone of us?’

‘Speak for yourself i don’t feel a thing these days. You know when you first looked up at me all those years back, it was the first time i realized what having butterflies actually feels like.. i saw an unconditional love.  And that same love of yours has hurt me like hot iron poured upon my skin burning down the very bones. So you don’t talk about pain coz you know nothing about it’.

‘Would you not even offer me a cup of coffee, in this biting cold winter unless of course you want to watch me die of cold, then it would be all right I suppose.’, he said.

‘Tea or coffee... Right or left...? As if that matters now...‘she mocked back.

‘Mr. Morris, you are so familiar with every corner of this house, nothing has changed since you left, and I guess you can help yourself’.

Jane watched him carefully as he moved around her house, or their house... ‘They’ were a thing of past...  A past she someday though would forever last but nothing is forever, fake promises and sugar coated lies all that she got was an endless wait.  Her dreams and desires of a promising future, she dreamt of having kids their kids, together they would make a world of their own. Not really perfect in fact far from perfect, enough just enough to fill each other’s voids.  He was moving here and there searching for things; she loved him watching this way. She slowly slipped back into those old days where he would help her in all her work. She should give him another chance? Or not.  Why was she thinking of taking back a man who never thought even once before leaving her. He appeared before her with a tray, two mugs of fuming hot coffee, her vision blurred and throat ached, she felt lost.. She looked up at him once again after all this time searching for something familiar...

‘What’s the matter, what makes you so upset?’, he inquired worriedly.

She sat there numb, still, motionless and said ‘what should i say, you never really knew me... I’ve have never liked coffee’

  

Random Thoughts..!!

                                  I tried to type the letters as carefully as I could, or as carefully as I should. It was again some random day, a random winter morning. The bed was warm and comforting somehow It managed to look more welcoming In these glacial winter mornings.  The days they seemed more okay now... the nights were fine too... some endless strings of thoughts running at the back of my mind. Sitting at the living room, I tried to admire the room, Um-mm yes It was pleasing the cream colored walls, the complementing curtains and the teak furniture added more beauty to the place. The ceiling, the beautiful lighting, and the homely aroma reminds me of mum. She has this really good taste in everything; I could see her In every single entity of this house. Yes... I do miss her, but It’s only a matter of few more months and we would be together again. I was interrupted by Savita, the domestic help. She handed me a cup of fuming hot coffee, I Inhaled In the aroma. Coffee has always comforted me more than anything else, my forever companion. Past few months were like a roller coaster ride...!! So full of adventure. I tried hard not to think much, a desperate attempt to ease myself... I had to go out today... to a B’day party.... It was Ritwik’s B’day.. My junior at college....
Ritwik and her friend Sakshi had become my good friends In just a matter of days, It felt nice talking to them always... I could connect with them so easily... Sakshi was a writer too that’s why I liked her all the more...!! Since Ritwik had this thing for books, I decided to gift him famous works of Thomas Hardy -- Mayor of Caster Bridge and Far from the madding crowd. I hope he likes them... Hardy being one of those writers that made me fall In love with literature... It’s been few days since I went out It would be nice to be in company of human beings once again... I was so used to being alone that It felt odd at times, thinking what I was slowly turning into... I brushed aside these thoughts and started getting ready. I debated how to do my hair... my forever fight with these thick unruly curls left me exhausted... I decided I’ll just let them run free... I reached the place one hour late..!! Something I usually never do... I am a way too punctual, but today I was terribly late... well, time has Indeed changed a lot...
I reached the place and apologized for being so late, they assured me that it’s perfectly okay... Ritwik Introduced me to his friends and later on added ‘she Is the best person In this city’, a smile slowly spread across my face they treated me like a very special guest, It felt good.. It felt good to be wanted and welcomed so warmly... Sakshi was sitting beside me; she looked beautiful I complimented her. I tried hard to get Involved with them and with everything. I steadied my gaze upon the glass of water that was In front of me, I tried to balance my gaze on Its rim... I was carefully listening to their conversations, to what all they had to say, their jokes, their life, their experiences, everything.. Every single thing.   They were so much In love... they looked good together... In fact great.. Somewhere It made me sad, suddenly I remembered so many things I shouldn’t, so many stories that were meant to be buried; reminding me of my own misery, reminding me of my own void and emptiness... Everything seems simple until we actually think about It...  Silence and absolute silence Is so very dangerous a lethal combination, I tried to concentrate on my breathing, or just another distraction you could say... It was fun spending time with these people, I soon headed home...
The journey to home was again a silent one some flashes continued to strike like lightening... everything was passing by—the people, the shops, the houses, the trees...
All that remained with me clutching me tight were the claws of memories....
Forever Is never an option It’s a conscious choice that we make every day, every moment, every breath... besides all odds, no matter how worst the condition Is, no matter how bad the rain Is... After the heavy pour, the sun shines more bright.. you just have to wait for the clear sky, and my love the view after Is always breathtakingly beautiful.....

The Other Woman

Those words....!  they were the same words he used to win her love all those years back.  Aarti froze, upon hearing Jay talking to someone else. Her horrors knew no bounds. ‘Else’ here was no one but the other woman.  Other woman most of the times cause of marriage failures.  It’s been 7 years of their ‘beautiful’ marriage. Beautiful that’s what she always thought. She looked down at her swollen belly; drops of tears fell upon the surface inside of which a little innocent life was breathing. This man whom she had given her all; taking care of him; taking care of his family; giving birth to his children; making everyday sacrifices so that he never gets any chance to complain. From years she has been cleaning up his everyday mess. How will she clear this mess of his? She thought. Here she could see her world crashing down; everything collapsing; all those years she had given to him were a waste. She felt a knot forming in the pit of her stomach. She wanted to cry and shout, she wanted to puke on this man’s face, for the dirt he was. The sacred mangalsutra on her neck felt extremely heavy now, the forehead bindi felt like a stigma, a stigma of her husband’s deeds.  

FLASHBACK

‘Jay..!! Oh my god seriously now stop it’, Aarti giggled as she tries to catch her breath. Her cheeks were aching from laughing from past one hour or so.

Jay and Aarti shared a lovely relationship, Jay was telling Aarti about some school days fun and how he and his naughty friends always managed to get in trouble every time, all the times.

          Jay and Aarti were college lovers; they did their major in English literature. Jay wanted to become a renowned author he was talented with words. Aarti fell in love with his smart trap of phases. That he did very well. Using his talisman of words... Such a charm, such was his grace. He was a handsome man of 6 feet he had this clear complexion something not many men have and a lovely smile with cute dimples.  Many girls craved for his attention, and he enjoyed being the popular guy of the whole college. He dated many girls back in school and college days. After the realization hit him that Aarti was the one for him, he fell head over heels for her.

 Aarti was a bundle of innocence; she had these beautiful and big eyes. When highlighted by mascara those were the most alluring pair of globular organs of sight you would ever see. There was something hypnotic about those pearl like eyes. Her dark curly hair was thick and unruly; she would let them be free and the world would admire her beauty in awe.

Things between the two of them were fine most of the times, apart from occasional breaks and interrupts in the steady flow, things were fine. That’s what she always thought Aarti being a pure soul not wanting to lose Jay never did anything that could affect their relationship. Such a stupid, fragile doll she was.

After getting settled with their careers they decided to move onto next phase. They decided to tie knot. Those were the happiest days of her life. Jay was a caring husband; they shared so much. The essence of their relationship kept them both within the beautiful confinements of their bond. Her happiness was doubled when she gave birth to their first child. What a moment that was. Holding her baby in her arms; her husband by her side; a perfect life. She would often gleam to her own self what a lucky woman she was. A loving husband; an adorable baby; a world so unblemished; happiness all over.

Jay was a famous author now. He recently published his third book of his award winning trilogy. He was busy most of the times now. Aarti tried to keep herself occupied by taking care of her son and household responsibilities. Jay would spend hours in his study working on his manuscripts and answering his fan mails or he would go out to his usual club. They hardly exchanged words. Sometimes he would take her out for she was his trophy wife. He loved showing her off; he would feel proud when people praised his choice. This was all that was left. She could feel him drifting apart, this was her biggest fear. To her dismay he was slowly disappearing, she always knew Jay needs changes; that to a way too very frequently.

She thought of having another child; she thought maybe a second child may bring back the missing blossom in their lives.  They planned for another child.

When she told Jay about her pregnancy yes, he was happy. A happiness it was to be a father second time, still she felt that something was missing, and she could do nothing about it. She accepted her fate and started taking care of the new life breathing inside her.

‘Jay i have an appointment today, would you like to see the baby scan?’, Aarti spoke with an enthusiasm. She was lost in her thoughts, moving her palm over her belly trying to feel her baby, smiling to her own self.

‘I have to go out; I’ll come with you some other time for sure’, Jay said.  He was busy in his phone not even looking up once, how uninterested he was. His wife was expecting and not even once he showed up with her at the clinic.

‘But last time you said next time’ Aarti said with growing disenchantment towards him.

‘Sorry sweetie next time, for sure’, he brushed past her not looking towards her once.

The journey from her house to clinic was silent and still, silently she was driving the music today was mute. Just like her. The noise of passing cars and the occasional honks were disturbing the tranquility of her noiseless thoughts.

She rushed towards the door, as the door bell rang. She knew it was her lover, oh what a hard wait 

that was.

Opening the door, she rushed in the embrace of his strong arms. He welcomed her in, inhaling her fragrance. She was a drug to him to very addictive and so hard to resist. Morphine or heroin or cocaine, whatever you can name.  She was his release, release from the misery. 

‘Hey where were you? I was waiting’, said she.

‘Oh lily..! The usual, everyday arguments and fights i am so tired of this woman’, Jay lied.what a profound liar he was. Lying was his art, his whole life he did the same. Lying from his wife, lying from Lilly. His whole existence was based and stacked upon thousands and thousands of disgusted lies.  Seeking sexual favours outside his marriage was nothing new he was doing, he’s been doing this since the very day they were together, even before that.

‘Let me take down your tiredness; let me pamper you; let me take you away from this reality and into our world of ecstasy.....’ Said Lily...

After spending say three hours with her, he left. That was all he wanted, satisfying his cravings and lustful thirst. Lily would often question herself, her role in his life. He would leave her even before the bed could turn cold. Was that all she was to him? She would often disguise her role, what was she doing? What will be the outcome? Being with him, she was someone not having a respectable place in any society, a woman he would never claim publicly.  The bitter reality she failed to accept was she was a mere mistress, a keep, a play thing.

Oh what a disgrace she was.... if only she knew, she was the other woman.

When they met...

It was a random day, maybe just another lonely Sunday. The club was usual crowded and loud, people were wasted all over. A man came over, had that been some other man, she would have brushed him off without a second thought. Here what was so special about him that she went along with him? Danced with him all night, heard his sad story. Maybe it was his good looks; maybe it was the effect of alcohol; maybe that feeling of desertion was a way too high that day; maybe... the endless possibilities of maybe to should be. After spending hours with a random stranger she bid him goodbye, only to meet again next time. He was a married man, stuck in a polluted and suffocating relationship. Well, that’s what he told her, his sad story. She fell for that, in an attempt to run away from her own misery and haunting loneliness. That’s how it all started.

She was an independent woman, smart and capable of taking control over her life, her actions. She worked hard, paid her own bills; she had built a good life for herself. She was so proud of her own self and her morals. Though  it felt odd to be involved with another man, who was married, but he would soon be separated that’s what she always thought.

A wait, no one knows how long that would last, maybe some months, some years, forever? Who knows? Neither her, nor him, or anybody else.

PRESENT DAY

It was hard, very hard for Aarti to accept this reality.  Her whole life seems a lie now. She gaped for air, her vision was blurred with tears and hurt, upon encountering what her husband was carrying out. She was pregnant, carrying his child. Their elder son not even 6 was sleeping soundly in his room. She should have shouted on him, should have confronted him, and should have spit on his face.  But rather she chooses to spend a sleepless night beside her son, stroking his soft baby hair. Occasionally pressing her lips on his cheeks, showering an affection his father failed to give him. 

She managed to get that woman’s number from his phone easily. With trembling hands she dialed the number, of that person who created a disaster, in her life.

The ringing bell, accelerating her heart rate.

‘Hello’, a faint voice answered.

‘What type of women you are’, she sobbed.

‘Excuse me! Who is this’, lily inquired.

‘You do have the guts to ask who i am. Really? You must be knowing me’, Aarti continued.

‘Ok can you tell me who this is, you are pissing me off’. Lily said.

‘Oh really i am pissing you off, and what about the way you spoiled my life, what a filth you are. Getting involved with a married man, who is already having a 6 yrs old child and eight months old expecting wife. How could you possible do this? You... people like you, spoil so many lives, breaking homes, and shattering families. What a disgrace woman like you are to this society. You are a stigma. ’ Aarti spat these words like venom.

Hearing all this, Lily was in tears, she couldn’t believe her ears. What all she heard, was a shock, a huge shock. She tried to gulp down those words. Never in her life had anyone pointed at her character and morality. Yet today she was the reason of shattering so many lives, she imagined Jay’s wife sobbing on the other side of the phone with a swollen belly, with a six year old small child. Words chocked her. She could say absolutely nothing.

‘But i never knew that he was a father too... And besides...’ she couldn’t complete the sentence...

‘Stop it will you... you whore, you spoiled my life and life of my innocent children, god will never forgive you’, with these final words she ended the call.

‘No please listen to me’, was all she managed to say even after the phone went into beeps...

Shattered and shocked she was... what had she done...!! Someone just called her a whore... was she a whore...?  NOOOOOO she would forever hate herself for this. How could she do this? Not knowing anything about this man? He was a father; she never knew... oh what she had done. All his words were a lie, he was just playing along.

She was his keep?

Without saying anything to Jay, Aarti left Jay’s house along with her son, while he was out.

After what felt like eternity, Lilly pulled her tattered pieces together and dialed Jay’s number..

‘Can you come over; i have a surprise for you Jay’

‘Ohh yes.. You do...? I’m on my way sweetheart’, Jay replied.

As soon as he reached her house, lily hugged him tightly, told him how much she missed him; how incomplete she was without him. Not parting from him even for a moment. She continues to hold him tight while swaying to the beats of music.

‘Hey what has gotten into you today... hmm? And what is the surprise?’ Jay asked kissing her passionately.

 ‘Ohh yes the surprise’

She parted from him, having a last look at his smiling face, registering his expressions in her mind. This is how she would always remember him now. She pulled out his surprise... which she was hiding from him.... she stabbed him hard right in his stomach... not just once... Twice... Thrice... four times... five times... until she forgot the count... he couldn’t even scream, couldn’t even shout... that was all... that was his end... that’s what the other woman did erasing a disgrace... That stained her character and that stained several other lives. An end to everyone’s sufferings. She saw his lifeless body in a pool of blood.

This was a gift from the other woman to this world, lessening a burden of some filth from this earth.

She cleaned herself, hummed some melodious tune, for she was free from a burden. She stepped outside her house inhaling the air of her purity. She was not the other woman anymore

She sat in the Starbucks cafe, sipping her coffee and staring out of the window. The blood stained knife lay next to her handbag, covered with her blue silk scarf. ..

She looked at the knife and smiled to herself. Other woman no more a stigma, no more a dirt. She was clean.. For she had cleared the dirt upon her, dirt questioning her morality.

Had Jay been loyal to his wife, all this would not have happened in the very first place. Was being loyal so difficult, was abiding by the promises and keeping faith in his relationship so difficult? We are living in a society today where loyalty seems too expensive to offer. Very beautifully putting all the blame on woman. Giving her names like mistress and other woman. Why not other man? Why not blame him and disgrace him instead of putting all the blame on a woman. He is responsible too.

Why not other man? And why only the other woman?

The moonlight Falcon

                   Here I was again tonight sitting and staring at this vacuum, in this piercing, dark and cold night. I was sitting in this bar which was in the shabbiest corner of this huge and confusing city.   The moonlight seemed to comfort me in a queer yet welcoming silence. I was surrounded by the most soothing yet haunted thing of this world,’Memories’.  I wanted to shut down every possible feeling and door. I wrapped my pale fingers around the neck of the cold beer bottle. This chilled beverage was providing me a painful pleasure. With every ounce of force that I had I lifted the bottle up. It traveled about 1.5 seconds from the table before its rim kissed my dry lips. The bitter liquid traveled from my mouth down to my stomach, going through my esophagus at initial. The gulping sound was all that was audible to me, I was so lost. Such was the quietness and such was the silence.

                 There was absolute stillness around, apart from the occasional barking of dogs in this gloomy night. The noise of their bark was the only source which reminded me of my existence and that I was not dead. Yet.  It’s the thing about memories they don’t leave you alone, OHH!!  How I wish to erase each one of them. But then I think this is the only source which always reminds me of something extremely blissful that ever happened to me. Memories leave me drained each and every time they visited like an unexpected and unwelcomed guest. The moments spent together with him were a way too perfect, a way too soothing, and a way too difficult to forget.  In turn all these accounts which were extremely ‘Flawless and faultless’ made my existence, ‘punishing’ for my own self.

                   Your memories do a thing to me; they leave me vulnerable. The moonlight tonight has a tantalizing effect upon me it reminds me of all those things we could be.Your husky voice is much vibrant and alive in my mind after all these years; your eyes were lustrous silver grey, just  like falcon’s prey. After all this time things have changed, nothing remained the very same. I am not as beautiful as I used to be, time has degraded me completely. The grey locks are prominently lurking behind the few black ones. My shrill energetic voice is now quiet shaky, I speak much less, after you left.  You were my everything when you left I had within me absolutely nothing. Sometimes I wander lonely in that past which I thought would forever last. It’s the only place, the memory lane where I can be with you as long as there are rhythms left in this fragile heart of mine. Some unanswered questions, some unquenchable thirsts and some unlucky charm has put such a distance between us. My thoughts are like these stars, so many and embedded in some dark closet like that sky. You left a void in my life which seems impossible to heal, I tried to bury the void many time but ended up creating a bigger one in the process. Without you there is no start and no end of anything. This life has become a mere ring, round and round and not reaching its end.    Time is slipping by extremely slowly.  I am waiting for some end and wanting to go to that place, to that world where you now exist.

My decisions were wrong once my conscience whispered to me in the middle of everything, that I had committed such a sinful crime. It was that time when this lonely moon chooses to shine an ounce more and Falcons decided to take the most fearless flight. Of course I knew I was wrong but then he left me no choice, I guess this was the time when sword and sheath were at a war with each other.  The blood flowing in these steel veins were filled with a courage the world had never witnessed before. The softest whispers seemed like a sheen cry, the most mundane chaos appeared to be the most exciting ones. The saddest part was there was no one with me, all this while only this Falcon in the moonlight sitting on that branch staring at me every night as if understanding the pain and its cause.

                 Here I was slowly closing some chapters of past memories’ album.

And again tonight i  wanted to get lost somewhere staring at this very moonlight falcon. 

We are not alone

We are not alone, don’t you realize this. Surrounded by thousands of stars and eloped by this massive and huge sky. The wind blowing and chanting some unheard and melodious tune, and we wonder why we are alone? No we are not unless and until this soul leaves our body and the stars explode on heaven. The sky cries only when an angel dies not when a devil is born. Why the same question does leaves us wandering why we are alone. We don’t need a second soul to complete this journey, still we need a companion to see and face all the up’s and downs of the rising sun and the shining moon.

The blaze that guides you through the dark paths can also swallow you up alive when the direction of wind reverses. I give you my hand and a silent promise to never let go take it, for we are not alone. A promise, a trust, a wish here I give you all my valuable jewels. Will you take it? Will you keep it? Will you value it? I can trust you with my soul, because I very well know you will never leave it alone. Holding your hand, I am absorbing your touch, your fragrance; the rhythmic movement of your chest, everything about you drives me crazy. I have you and what’s more beautiful is you have me. Every day, every breath, every moment till I am breathing, I take a vow to be by your side. Darling why are you so scared we are together in this. I am with you every day, every night, in every moment of this life. I promise, to never let you face any scar alone.

We are surrounded by bliss, with a serenity whose fragrance enlightens and brightens our souls. It gives us wings to fly away, some another place, another era and another world. Where all we have is each other.  That everlasting warmth and intimacy my love, the tenderness in those beautiful eyes of yours.  The pleasure your voice gives me is marvelous, the way you say my name ‘Sugar’. I could give up everything, even this life to hear the same from that tender mouth of yours. Together we will make a world where there will reside only love lots of love. Surrounded by indispensable passion for each other, how can one be alone when surrounded by such bliss? My love you are not alone and we are not alone... we have each other together forever

(the above article was published in the book 'We are not alone' by Cypher publication house. IIT Bombay, Mood-i fest.)

Thank you for loving me

 Where to begin from? Can the sun stop shining or can the moon stop glowing? Or can this universe stop existing? Same is my love for you eternal and everlasting, soothing yet so refreshing.  Your love is holding me in a place from where there is no escape. Places where I will get submerge in the depths of this eternal love of yours. You and me always make a perfect we, Thank you for loving me.  Your love has taken me on journeys I have never imagined could even exist. Your fragrance, your love, and your voice everything about you drives me crazy. You are my sunshine and moonlight; you are my shadow and light in every black and white. You are that tune I will never stop humming to. Sometimes I am scared of you, you know why? That’s because when you look me, I forget my own existence. Those look on your face, and that spark, ignites fires inside me. The way you look at me, I can melt right at the moment. Your eyes are so toxic; the look in your eyes is enough to stop my heart from beating. I can give up all my prized possessions just for that one look. The way your eyes penetrate into mine burn me completely inside out. Who knew that a single look from this man could turn me into ashes?

That day when you hugged me so tightly, held within your embrace, Tears started to fall from my eyes. Those were the Tears of love and tears of joy. That day I realized that I don’t have to be perfect to be with you. I was amazed to see that how passionately you loved my brokenness. That day I fell in love with you all the more, I was mesmerized as how can you love me to such an extent, and such vigour, and with such madness. Your affection was making me feel weak, so weak, that I could have collapsed then and there; finally I guess I wanted that only. You held me all the more tight, as if sensing to what extent I was shattered. You held me so close, guarding and protecting me from every evil. Finally you imprisoned me within yourself, where there would be no escape for both of us. I sobbed and sobbed really hard, these sobs were of our inextinguishable flames of passion. It could have burned us both alive if we remained ignorant of each other’s love and faith. Thank you for loving me, this way.

 The way your lips mold into mine, the way your touch sends electric shock down my whole body, the way you do so much without even doing anything. The way you remove strands of hair from my face, the way your words do wonders to me. What do I say more your love is of a different kind it’s tenacious, rebellious and so impulsive it makes me forget everything else. I cannot distinguish between what is correct and what is not.  Nor can I imagine this world without you, or a world without your love, to live in such a world would be impossible for me to exist. When you say my name ‘Sugar’ all my sufferings end then and there this is the kind of magic you have with you, you remind me of so many things I wish existed. Thank you for loving me to such an extent.

Every time I open my eyes these dreams haunts me, that’s because he is  an illusion of mine, a dream. He had this unusual charm with him; I was terrified to touch him. What if he disappeared? And more importantly what if he doesn't?

Dedicated to him who doesn't exist. Thank you for loving me in an unusual and unexpected way. 

(above article was published  in the book 'Thank you for loving me' an anthology. Cypher publication house)  

'Something...'

Dear life..
It's a lovely Sunday evening. I am sitting inside this comfortable quilt, wearing  plush sweats. My hair are a mess, the curls dangling around my face.  Sunday the only day when I can relax but it seems that my insides are excruciating. The cold winds are blowing like an aimless passenger going somewhere. This point of time, I am trying to be calm. Somehow it seems that never ending strings of thoughts, are causing a havoc and turmoil inside me. A hurricane is arising and its going to destroy anything which will come its way, be it people or feelings.
I saw 'Something...' today and it really did broke my heart, I couldn't sit peacefully so I just decided to 'write..' Writing always calms me down, it tames my daemons, it soothes the creases of my forehead. it makes me feel  alive again.
There was this 'Something...' I came across, 'Something...' that didn't belong to me, 'Something...' over which I have no right and that 'Something...' is tearing me apart. Occasionally taking deep breaths trying to fill my lungs with maximum air, in a feeble attempt to feel alright.
 Can I shout ? Can I scream? Can I laugh? Can I cry? or Can I just stop all this... anyhow, somehow. Pain can be beautiful too, it creates a void which gives me pleasure whenever I peep inside it. A painful pleasure....
There is 'Something...' dragging me away. 'Something...' which is staying which wasn't meant to. 'Something...' which is so wrong but that same 'Something...' feels so so correct. My eyelids feel heavy, I want to sleep peacefully, but 'Something...' keeps popping up in my mind preventing me from doing the same. 'Something...' keeps shattering the windows... whenever that reflection appears on its glass. Even this cozy and opulent bed fails to keep me warm I am cold inside out. Because there is 'Something...' else that is meant to give me that absolute pleasure and comfort.
The faint tickling sound of clock keeps reminding me that this will pass just the way everything else did. I hope that this 'Something...' passes soon. 'Something...' that came walking towards me and 'Something...' which changed it's direction before it reached me. I am trying hard, very hard to prevent this 'Something...' from becoming my everything....
Trying to gather my tattered pieces and standing as rigidly as I can. Because I can't let 'Something...' collapse me again... 'Something...' is not so powerful that it  takes away my soul and my happiness.
still I never knew that 'something...' could be so powerful, something that could shake the ground beneath me, and 'Something...' which could penetrate this endless sky above me.

I wish that this 'Something...' didn't exist
from-
('Something...' which is unimportant still feels extremely important)